You're my little dorito
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
