Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
