I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The uberlube is also flammable
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
