don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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