So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
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hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
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The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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