Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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