i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
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Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
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She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*