God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night