Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
