i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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