The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
