I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
