Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
