he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm having to shit out rocks
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
