you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
