Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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