R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Ketchup is God's man juice
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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