Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
