He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
