Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
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It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
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Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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