At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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