We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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