the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
