and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says