everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?