I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
