Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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