just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
