apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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