Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
