ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Randomize
