I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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