Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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