I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
