he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
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I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
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I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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