i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
