onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
