he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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