just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
