that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
false alarm, still single
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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