she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
