Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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