And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
