Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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