I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
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at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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