Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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