I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
God gave him joint rollers for hands
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
