And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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