Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Randomize
