this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
