My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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