I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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