i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
