I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
