You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
