I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
