she looked like the bat from fern gully.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
