I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
