I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
